And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

I apologize for the anecdotal nature of this post, but just hang with me for a minute.  I recently had the good fortune to speak with sisters, Kristy and Michelle, old friends of mine, candidly about how they were handling their lives currently.   The sisters are roughly my age (2 years apart from each other – Michelle is the older of the two).   They have an apartment together which they had gotten several years ago after Michelle went through a nasty divorce.   The apartment is a spacious two bedroom, gorgeously and stylishly decorated (I’m a little envious of the skill, I’ll admit).   Michelle’s room has the same flow as the rest of the apartment, light, stylishly, though sparsely decorated.   Kristy’s room is….not any of that.   It’s dark and it is full (and I mean so full) of stuff.   When I say stuff, I mean, every surface is covered. The perimeter of the room is just one piece of furniture after another, no space between them. The walls...

        Recently I have been pouring over home movies that my parents had. It’s so nice that these exist and remind me of things I loved (sweet little dog Penny for example).   It’s both beautiful and tragic to hear my parents’ voices and very unbelievable that soon it will have been one year since I heard them in person. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t hurt and ache for them, that I don’t resist the urge to pick up the phone and call my mom to talk or ask my dad for advice. This month is especially difficult as it contains both of their birthdays as well as the one year anniversaries of both of their passing.   I’m stumbling through it and trying to focus on other things. I will admit, I have been a wreck this entire year. I cry for them often. The grief has been building rather than diminishing. I have never dealt with grief on this level before. The amount of support that I have received has been…frustrating. Some of those I depend on the most ...

  Over the last month or so, I have written at least 8 different drafts of things I wanted to post here. Some of them have been bitter and a little hateful. Some have been a little more desperate or sad.   Almost all of them talk about something I want to change, something I need to change, but something I am not changing at all.  I know where my life is right this very moment. I don’t necessarily know where it is going, but I know where it is.   I also know I’m not happy with it. My house is still full of way too much stuff.  My relationships with a lot of people are suffering. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I am probably the least active I have been as well. I want to change that, I ALWAYS want to change that. Admittedly, I fight my own demons on this one.   Once upon a time, I had a regular exercise routine. I was stronger and healthier and slimmer.   As a family, we were pretty active, even if it was just nightly walks. I felt much better ...