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Home Movies

 

 
 
 
Recently I have been pouring over home movies that my parents had. It’s so nice that these exist and remind me of things I loved (sweet little dog Penny for example).  It’s both beautiful and tragic to hear my parents’ voices and very unbelievable that soon it will have been one year since I heard them in person. Not a day goes by that my heart doesn’t hurt and ache for them, that I don’t resist the urge to pick up the phone and call my mom to talk or ask my dad for advice. This month is especially difficult as it contains both of their birthdays as well as the one year anniversaries of both of their passing.  I’m stumbling through it and trying to focus on other things. I will admit, I have been a wreck this entire year. I cry for them often. The grief has been building rather than diminishing. I have never dealt with grief on this level before. The amount of support that I have received has been…frustrating. Some of those I depend on the most have let me down in the most jarring ways and I want to scream at them and let them know that this is something I cannot forget, not right now.  What I need, what I’ve needed, is someone to say I know you are hurting – let’s pop some popcorn (I really prefer it to ice cream) and sit down and talk about. I’m here and I’m listening.  I am however, so, so, so grateful for my brothers. So many families are torn apart by grief or anger, but that hasn’t happened with us. We came together and that was the most beautiful thing to come out of this awfulness. I'm a little irritated that covid came along at a time like this because I miss them both so much!  Let me also please give more credit where credit is due - a couple of my friends have been amazing and two of them have been my constants and I adore them for that. They have listened when I needed them and I can even forgive them for the lack of popcorn.  😉

 Another thing I saw when watching those movies is my own interactions.  One such interaction went like this:

 Person comes back with food of some kind to a table.

 Me: Oh no, that’s okay, I didn’t want any. (and I was kind of surprised by the snark of my tone honestly)

 Person:  Good, because I didn’t ask.  (also just as snarky).

 I keep thinking about this brief conversation. Am I really that bitchy?  I guess if I think about it, I am.  It’s not usually my intention, and maybe a SMALL (tiny, minute) part of it is just the cadence of my voice, but I AM pretty bitchy.  Now, I don’t know what events might have led up to these interactions. I don’t know if there was arguing beforehand or some slight that may have occurred. They were a very long time ago. I just know what I saw on tape and I am a little ashamed that it was captured, that I was treating someone that way at some family function (and ashamed that there are more than one of those instances).  

 I never thought that home movies might lead to an evaluation of myself, but perhaps that is a blessing in disguise. In this new year of blogging, journaling, meditating and hopefully getting healthier, it seems like it might be a good time to see things from another perspective. Perspective is everything isn’t it?

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