I no longer wax poetic

beyond the windowpane
someone asks, "where has he gone?"
and i remember you

and how it used to be:
sunlight
congealing into pools like
maple syrup dripped, from the edges

of a silver spoon,

on the knotted threads we shared
of memories just outside the room
reflecting light like glass

and when we slept

we hid our losses
until morning steadied in the treetops

i haven’t forgotten you
and that white butterfly

that wanders the edges
of a green and misty sky where
clouds slide together in the slanting light
all our poems are intact there
and the sky is as blue as that water
you always used to write about

I used to write. A lot. I wrote what I knew. I wrote clichés about touch, kisses, butterflies and of course, heartache and loss. I wrote because I felt these things so strongly and never felt more alive or open. I wrote because I wanted to remember the feeling of being able to grab someone’s hand and run through the field or lay down and look at the stars. I even wanted to remember how heartache felt, because we often learn the most from that.

These days the world is so much heavier. Losses tear my heart out and happiness only feels temporary. People seem meaner and sadder and more self-involved. Christmas feels like a chore. Everything feels like a battle. I keep fighting them but I am definitely losing some of them – and some of them I have to walk away from before I lose what is left of myself.

I wish I could blame it on the year. ‘2020 sucks’ says t-shirts, ornaments, masks and bumper stickers. It’s not the year though is it? Sure I can say a LOT has happened this year, but January 1, 2021 will feel no different than December 31, 2020. A calendar change won’t make everything better. It’s just a mark in time, a way to remember some wonderful or horrible thing. I want to say 2020 has been the worst year of my life, and I guess that would be true, but 2021 will not make the events of 2020 any easier. It won’t fix our losses or heartbreaks. I can only pray that the world can feel more hope again- that maybe that sense of a “new year” will bring conviction and a renewed sense of love and happiness. Maybe the world won’t feel such a huge weight, even just for short time.

But for now I sit, pen in hand, blank paper in front of me and no idea what to write.

Comments

Declutter the House (and Mind)

Wow - it has been a LONG time since I've posted here. Maybe that's a good thing, ha! I'm posting now because I am setting a challenge for myself. It's the 30 day Minimalism Challenge. If you have never heard of it, the rules are simple. Basically you get rid of stuff every single day for 30 days. The usual rules are 1 thing on the 1st, 2 things on the 2nd, 3 things on the 3rd and so on until you have gotten rid of 465 things. I tried it once before and didn't make it very far, maybe day 5. I found that growing number to be kind of intimidating so I am going to change it up a little bit. I am going to write down numbers 1-30 on pieces of paper and randomly pick one every day. That will be the number of items I get rid of that day. The idea is these items must be OUT of your house by midnight each day. In my case, I'm sure that the husband's car trunk will hold quite a collection for a weekly donation run since I don't have time to make that run d...

The Final Countdown

Well, I did it. I made it through the month of purging. 465 items officially, but since I didn't count most of the stuff I threw away, I would estimate closer to 575-600 things. There are a number of things I have learned in the process. First, I have kept a lot of stupid things. I came across so many items that genuinely baffled me as to why I kept them. They had no use, no sentimental value, no reason at all for keeping them, and yet I did. I would say, even the spaces I went through, I could probably get rid of more, but I am happy with where they are at for now. Once I go through the other spaces in my house, I am sure I will circle back around and get rid of even more. Second, it was much easier getting rid of things than I thought it would be. I have purged items before, but never in such quantities. I attempted this challenge once before but I don't think I even made it through the first week. Excuses and time just got the best of ...

Writing

When I was younger, I always wanted to write. I kept notebooks and notebooks of poetry and I was meticulous about them. If I had to cross out a word or, God-forbid, tear out a page – I had to start over with a whole new notebook. I thought for sure that someday, I would write books. I loved to read them, couldn’t get enough, why couldn’t I write them too? If only it were that easy! I started many fiction stories and often, no later than page 10, I would realize exactly how tedious writing a book is. I just did not have the patience for it. When I read a book, I read quickly. It’s something I have always done, because I am impatient. I want to know the end-game right now. I taught myself to skim (thanks Stephen King for putting SO much detail into a book that I learned this little trick). Don’t get me wrong. I READ everything, but I process it a second later. It’s like driving a car. When you drive, you don’t (or should...

And Miles To Go Before I Sleep

Search This Blog