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The Struggle is Real

Well, as usual, life gets away from me and I lose track of the things I want to do.  The past month has been very busy.  From putting in a patio to car maintenance to deep cleaning to painting to dog care and everything in between, we have barely had time to come up for air.  This has really been both good and bad for me: good - because it keeps my mind occupied and doesn’t let me dwell on things, bad - because it also keeps me too busy to deal with things.  It’s very easy for me to push away important things or sensitive things in order to get stuff done and never come back to it.  It’s something I’ve done for years, but I’ll admit, I’m having a hard time with that now.  I struggle every day to keep my emotions in check and push down everything that keeps bubbling up.  Most people know that I am not a particularly emotional person, especially to the general public, so this is a new thing for me. 

 

I miss my parents. I miss them so much it hurts to breathe sometimes.  I am so, so blessed to still have my two wonderful(!!!) brothers and so very grateful that one of them spent soooo much time gathering photos and videos.  Hearing my parents’ voices over those videos is both so wonderful and awful, but I am glad for it. I would give anything for more conversations with both of them, but at least now, I will never forget the sounds of their voices.  As we make changes to our house, with each one I think Mom would have loved this or Dad would have been proud that I figured this out.  It does help motivate me, even if it later makes me sad knowing they will never see it. 

 

Outside of my emotional instability regarding my parents, everyone of course is still dealing with Covid-19.  What an odd and strange thing this has been. Wearing masks in public is the norm and I think it will be for quite some time. Hand sanitizer is now a staple in most homes and vehicles and, while people are starting to gather more, most are still very cautious about it. I will admit that I am a little leery about sending the kids to school in August.  Schools have always been rampant for passing around illnesses and this will be no different. Even with social distancing and some precautions, the virus continues to be passed and several states that eased their restrictions are now being brought to their knees with new cases.  I won’t lie – it does concern me, quite a bit.  I wish more than anything that the coronavirus never happened – that we had graduations, weddings, backyard BBQ’s, plays and vacations. It’s been a big year full of missed opportunities. 

 

I suppose, at the end of the day, many people are going some many of the same things I am (some much worse, some not as bad). I have spent a lot of time overthinking, analyzing my relationships (or lack thereof) with people, wishing for things to be just a little different, but I do recognize what everyone else is going through and I support each and every one of you and your personal journey – even if I’m not great at verbalizing it.

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